The New World
by Terrence Malick
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DVD details
Actor: August Schellenberg, Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer, Colin Farrell, Q'orianka KilcherDirector: Terrence Malick
Brand: NEW Line Home Video
Writer: Terrence Malick
Producer: Bill Mechanic
Producer: Billy Weber
Producer: Carey Russell
Producer: Ivan Bess
Producer: Mark Ordesky
Producer: Peter La Terriere
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Subtitled); Spanish (Subtitled); English (Original Language), Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround
Format: AC-3, Closed-captioned, Color, Dolby, DVD, NTSC, Subtitled, Widescreen
Picture Format: 2.35:1
Running Time: 150 minutes
DVD Release Date: 2006-05-09
Audience Rating: PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Studio: New Line Home Video
Product features:
- Condition: New
- Format: DVD
- AC-3; Closed-captioned; Color; Dolby; DVD; Subtitled; Widescreen; NTSC
DVD Reviews of The New World
DVD Review: You Can't Fool Me, Man!
Summary: 1 Stars
I, Yasha Banana, your 96-year-old film reviewer, am glad already to know that I'm not a complete masochist.
Meaning: I turned this movie off before it was over. (Good for me!) It was so boring and so tedious it gave me a pain. Over here; and over there. And a heartburn. Oy, such a heartburn you wouldn't believe. And don't tell me it was the pastrami I brought to the movie theatre.
The only other movie I saw by this goyim fellow Terence Malick -- Mistah Feency Schmeency Movie Director -- was "The Thin Red Line," which I, Yasha Banana, liked very much. The problem with this movie, however, "The New World," is that, for one thing, it's as though you're seeing a spinoff of "The Thin Red Line" -- the voiceover, the similarity in music, the fact that in both movies a Westernized soldier breaks away from his militaristic, warrior-oriented life and finds peace and happiness living in a delightful, harmonious, non-European counterculture.
I should be so lucky. Instead what's my lot in life? I live next door to a meshugener who plays Trini Lopez records all night long on his victrola. You call this living? Drives me crazy. So where's *my* counterculture getaway already?
Nah, this movie isn't for me. I like a movie that keeps moving. Because at 96-years-old anything on me that moves, I'm grateful. In particular my bowels.
For example, "Singing in the Rain." Now there was, believe you me, there was *some* movie. Ho-boy! Bing-bang-boom, one scene after another -- who's over here, who's over there -- Gene Kelly is throwing Cyd Charisse across the room, Debbie Reynolds is jumping out of a cake, Donald O'Connor is running, tumbling, jumping and spritzing. Gals kicking kicking their legs over their heads (sigh!).
Debbie Reynolds. She's Jewish? I should be so lucky to run into such a peppy-perky gal. I hear she's around 80 now. Ah, what the hell, I always liked 'em young.
Anyway, back to -- what was it I, Yasha J. Banana, was reviewing -- oh yeah "The New World." It takes place in Virginia, right? So, what, it doesn't rain in Virginia? Colin Farrell couldn't maybe find an umbrella and do like Gene Kelly in "Singin' in the Rain"? Those lousy colonialist pig-dogs, those uptight Brits, they couldn't hire Debbie Reynolds to teach the Indian girls to kick their legs over their heads? I mean, you know, just to get a peek. You know how hard it is nowadays to get a gal to stand on a mirror. Me, personally, Yasha J. Banana, I like to keep up on what's going on down there.
Ahhh, so who listens to me anyway? Okay, I don't say Colin Farrell has to prance around like Richard Simmons, but move it, boychick, move it! Angst I don't need, peppy-perky I can use.
Instead this goy Colin Farrell, ho boy, he droops, he drags, he kvetches. Sort of like my third wife on our honeymoon. I said "I do" and she said, "Turn off the light, I'm exhausted."
I want *action* man! I want someone to rush up to Colin Farrell and say something like: "Thank God you're not Colin Powell!" Or "Quick, the hippopotamuses are escaping! Man the lifeboats!"
Action, man, action!
See, then you don't know what's gonna happen next. A regular "dramatic moment" you have. People in the audience gasping, holding on to each other, spitting up their Goobers.
But with this movie you know 25 minutes before the end of a scene what's gonna happen. For instance, Colin ("Don't Call Me Powell") Farrell and his Indian girlfriend are in a field. They hardly speak. They walk towards each other. They circle each other. They look deeply into each other's eyes. ... Meanwhile, I'm in my seat in the movie theatre and my pacemaker is getting low on batteries and I have to go pee. And all this is going on for fifteen minutes. So what, we're stupid? We don't catch on that Colin Farrell is gonna schtup her? So come on already, get to the point, start pilin' up the wood, Colin baby, you're in-like- Flynn, let the schtupping begin!
Which requires me, Yasha J. Banana, to refer back to "Singin' in the Rain." In "Singing in the Rain" Gene Kelly was hot for Debbie Reynolds. Debbie Reymolds jumps out of a cake and for the rest of the movie Gene Kelly, because he's Irish-CAtholic, has to eat saltpeter sandwiches he's so excited. Simple, right? Everybody "gets it," right? Nobody has to be partake of any D-E-E-E-E-E-P thinking. There's no slo-o-o-o-ow, tedious, draaaaaawn out dialogue. No long, wistful, soulful goo-goo-eyed looks. You like the gal, Colin? She rings your chimes? She does for you what Sophie Tucker did for me back in '37? Then bust a move, boychick. Get on with it, we don't have all day; this isn't "War and Peace."
Also, the chief of the tribe, the Big Cheese -- this guy, we're told, is supposed to have fathered one hundred children. Ho boy! Now there's some action they could have shown us!! Talk about workin' on the railroad. (Didn't this guy have any hobbies? And who did he score his Vaigra from?)
But, no, those one hundred blessed moments, we don't see. Instead this guy moves and talks just as slow as everybody else in the facockta movie. Hey, listen, you show me some old geezer that's fathered a hundred kids and I'll show you a fast-talkin', fast-movin', silver-head son of a you-know-what.
Put Charo in his harem and then you have a movie, mister!
Also, if this guy fathered a hundred kids, where the heck are they? I only saw about 30 or 40 Indian extras. What? all his little cockers left the village, went to the big city and became social workers? I, Yasha J. Banana, doubt that very much.
Also ... as someone of European background myself, I must say, Europeans in this movie don't come off very well. They're portrayed as brutal, militaristic, slimy, greedy low-life thugs. OK, so we'll leave my third and fourth wives out of this for the time being; but what an awful image of us Europeans. These English guys in the movie, these Europeans: they set up a colony and before you know, bing-bang-boom, the place turns into a regular pig-sty. Like my fifth wife's condominium after mahjong. (But why dwell?)
OK, so us Europeans aren't perfect. So Europeans raped and pillaged most of North America, South America, Africa, Asia and several neighborhoods in Brooklyn.
So sue us!!
You know, I once knew an Indian. Never used a napkin. Wiped his mouth on his sleeve. But you don't see me making a movie about an entire race of people dripping corn kernels and wampum from their mouths, do you? No sir! No-sir-no-sir-NO-SIR!
Just keep in mind the advice of the famous writer Nelson Algren: "Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. And never play cards with an Indian called Doc."
And this man was an author!
Don't get me wrong, I love Indians. Tonto: one tough Jewish Indian. That's right, *Jewish.* Who do you think gave him his bar mitzvah pen back in '38? That's right, yours truly, Yasha J. Banana. I loved that Indian. I worshipped the ground he put his ear to to see if a taxi was coming.
I love Indians. I, personally -- and without a partner, I might point out -- opened a delicatessen in Cleveland back in '58, and every Cleveland Indian who came in, I treated like a prince.
So what about us Caucasians? We have no good points? Come on, just because we have a history of being miserable, rotten, warlike plunderers -- everybody should know about it? They shoud make *movies* about it? Why not open up the back window and yell it out so all the neighbors can hear? WE STINK! ON ICE!
So who's perfect? You want perfect, go see Oprah. (The thin one.)
Here's another thing ... In the movie the Indian lady, err, I mean the Indian *woman,* err, I mean, *the Native American lady,* err, I mean, *the ladylike Native American woman person* -- that one in the flicker; how's come she right away falls head over heels for Colin Farrell? Just because he's good-looking? If the Indian culture she lives in is so great, what? there isn't a good-looking guy or two she's already dating? I, Yasha J. Banana, would think so.
If this movie was realistic, the first half of it would be Colin Farrell trying to figure out how to deal with this Indian gal's truckload of boyfriends. Come on, these virile young bucks are supposed to give her up without a fight? We're supposed to believe that Colin Farrell strolls into the village, grabs the cutest gal in sight and all her boyfriends all of a sudden become gay? Be serious. You can't bamboozle me, man. I have a mind to write Colin Farrell and ask him for my money back. Who's he think he's foolin'? All of the people all of the time? Well not this chosen one. Not this boychick.
And I'll tell you something else, while we're on the subject. And I didn't want to bring this up -- but these English guys didn't look all that clean and washed to me. In fact, I hate to say it but my guess is that these fellows, including "Mister Wonderful," Colin Farrell, they were all farshtunken. That's Yiddish for stinky. Like, P.U., man! Especially Colin. There he is, in all his stinkin' glory, coming to Virginia in the hole of a ship because he tried to mutiny. What? they didn't have showers and a little ribbon around the toilets in the hole of a 17th century galley ship? Oy, please, don't let me think about it, there must have been such a stink. And then all of a sudden "Mister Wonderful" gets ashore, FRESH AS A DAISY!
And he turn into a regular Mark Spitz.
No sir! No-sir-no-sir-NO-SIR! I, Yasha J. Banana, know a farshtunken sailor when I see one.
You can talk all you want about how wonderful this movie is and how wonderful it's message is, about peace and love and eating berries in the moonlight, but all I see are a bunch of stinky people who talk real slow trying to pass themselves off as Method actors. Pretty soon Lee Strasberg's gonna show up as the chief of the tribe next door -- The Kleinman Indians.
Bearing the famous "Kleinman Diamond."
Which has a curse.
*Mister* Kleinman.
(c. Henny Youngman 1947)
I give Henny Youngman 5 stars for that joke. For that dreck of a movie, "The New Eorld," I give one star.
On consignment.
Maybe I'll change my mind and want the star back. I'll keep you posted. Tell Colin Farrell I'm thinking about it. He wants to negotiate -- we'll sit, we'll talk, we'll do, we'll make.
Your pal,
Yash
Description of The New World
A drama about explorer john smith & the clash between native americans & english settlers in the 17th century. Studio: New Line Home Video Release Date: 01/16/2007 Starring: Colin Farrell Christian Bale Run time: 135 minutes Rating: Pg13Bestsellers in DVD
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