Kiss Me Quick/House on Bare Mountain
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DVD details
Actor: Bob Cresse, Connie Hudson, Laine Carlin, Laura Eden, Leticia CooperBrand: Image Entertainment
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Unknown), Unknown; English (Original Language), Unknown
Format: Color, DVD, Full Screen, NTSC, Special Edition
Picture Format: 1.33:1
Running Time: 175 minutes
Published: 2001-06-01
DVD Release Date: 2001-06-05
Audience Rating: Unrated
Studio: Image Entertainment
DVD Reviews of Kiss Me Quick/House on Bare Mountain
DVD Review: The Grand Glom, Dictionary Recitals, And Monsters Galore
Summary: 4 Stars
This is yet another double feature from Something Weird. The theme here is "monsters" but you won't be overwhelmingly terrified. I had heard of "Kiss Me Quick", and knew it was the first film from Harry Novak, who became a legend at the same level as Doris Wishman. "Kiss Me Quick" has to be seen to be believed. The plot concerns Sterilox, an androgynous guy wearing a colander on his head with huge feathered plumage sticking out of the top, from the Buttless Galaxy being sent to Earth by the Grand Glom to bring back a perfect woman. He is dispatched to the lab of Dr. Breedlove (who has a very annoying penchant to attempt mimicry of Peter Sellers from "Dr. Strangelove", hence the name) to study his experimental specimens, most of whom spend their day dancing with test tubes and Florence flasks. Dr. Breedlove (whom Sterilox constantly refers to as "Dr. Birdseed" for some reason) sports what may go down in history as the worst makeup on record. He and Sterilox share what may be the most painfully written dialogue in history, mostly because it is filled with unbelievably bad puns. For instance Breedlove has a mummy chauffeur he calls "Selfish". Why is she called selfish? Because she's all wrapped up in herself. This gives you only some idea of the depths of the puns involved here.
Some of the girls are attractive, but one of them has on a black wig so tall that she can dust the acoustic tiles on the ceiling with it. Also featured are the worst Frankenstein monster and Dracula in screen history. I thought this film would be bad, but I had no clue how truly awful it would be. As a bonus there is an audio commentary track with Harry Novak for this feature, which is actually more interesting to listen to than the onscreen action, which admittedly isn't saying a lot. There was also this chestnut of wisdom offered up by Dr. Breedlove to Sterilox, which is the line by which I will always remember the movie: "I show you Lady Godiva, and you ask me if her horse can play the piano! Who cares?" This is truly a work of staggering proportions.
"House On Bare Mountain" is actually an order of magnitude stupider than "Kiss Me Quick". It features the mangiest Werewolf I have ever seen working for 13 cents a day in the basement of an all girl school which is also a cover for a moonshine distillery. It is all run by drag queen Granny Good and the feds attempt a raid during a Halloween party with unexpected results. The film actually has fairly clever framing shots at the beginning and end, but that's about all that is clever here. You must see the Werewolf, named Krakow, to believe how bad stage makeup can be. The film has an extremely diverting subplot about a coed studying the dictionary. If that sounds really boring, you are correct: it is. There are a couple of amusing credits in the opening sequence including "Hair Styles by Hoover Vacuum" to divert your attention from the dreadful onscreen performances to come. Ultimately Granny Good isn't undone by law enforcement, but by the unions, specifically UWA (United Werewolves of America) Local 47 who protests Krakow's sub par wage scale.
The amazing degree of ineptitude seen in the two features is only eclipsed by the special features. Particularly noteworthy is one about the watusi, which will lead you to think that in order to perform this dance correctly, the dancer must execute complex semaphore signals with feather dusters. The worst by far is one titled "The Vampire and the Vixen", which to me seemed utterly pointless. I actually watched it a second time to make sure I hadn't missed a key plot device. I hadn't. You watch it and tell me exactly what the rising action, climax, and denouement are supposed to be. I sure couldn't figure it out.
This is entertaining stuff for people who like extremely bad monster movies. Of course there are some risque bits, which would probably garner an R-rating today, but it is in no way titillating. This is just bad cinema at its very worst. This isn't really a genre that I am normally nuts about, but I will say that for what these films are, they are kind of fun to laugh at.
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Description of Kiss Me Quick/House on Bare Mountain
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