Cult Classics: Earth vs. the Spider/War of the Colossal Beast
by Bert I. Gordon
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DVD details
Actor: Ed Kemmer, Eugene Persson, Gene Roth, Hal Torey, June KenneyDirector: Bert I. Gordon
Brand: Lions Gate
Producer: Bert I. Gordon
Writer: Bert I. Gordon
Producer: Henry Schrage
Producer: James H. Nicholson
Producer: Samuel Z. Arkoff
Writer: George Worthing Yates
Writer: László Görög
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language)
Format: Black & White, Closed-captioned, DVD, NTSC
Picture Format: 1.33:1
Running Time: 142 minutes
DVD Release Date: 2006-01-10
Audience Rating: Unrated
Studio: Lions Gate
Product features:
- DVD Details: Actors: Ed Kemmer, June Kenney, Eugene Persson, Gene Roth, Hal Torey
- Directors: Bert I. Gordon
- Format: Closed-captioned, Color, DVD, NTSC. Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only)
- Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1; Number of discs: 1; Studio: Lions Gate
- DVD Release Date: January 10, 2006; Run Time: 142 minutes
DVD Reviews of Cult Classics: Earth vs. the Spider/War of the Colossal Beast
DVD Review: Absurd.
Summary: 1 Stars
Viewed: 10/08
Rate: 2
10/08: Bert I (am stupid). Gordon created another clunker in the 50's called Earth vs. the Spider for who knows what reason. There are more logical problems in the film than I can count on my fingers. The best question of the film is: Why not pour gasoline on the spider from a tall building and light it on fire? Surely, that would have been a great avoidance from all the problems that occurred after the spider wakes up from its coma. Even worse, I slipped into a coma of my own. I thought for a while that there was a nice black-and-white photography going on, but the more I see the cavern scenes, the switch over becomes incredibly distracting. That I couldn't understand is why the need for double film inserts? Every time I see the spider blown up, the spider looks like it was crawling on a piece of paper. One strange moment occurs when the city engineer was playing with the normal tarantula that gets later smashed by the foot. I mean, where did they get the spider so fast and why? The idiot girl had to go back to the cave to search for the lost bracelet, so answer me this question: what is more important: the bracelet or her life? Speaking of bodies in the cave, I found it extremely hard to believe that there is a skeleton lying on ground, and nobody freaks out. In reality, that's a pretty serious situation because a skeleton like that means that somebody got killed by one of the five ways (I guess). A simple check of the dental records will match the person's identity. How can anyone not know that the spider is a tarantula? It's so obvious. When the guys blew up the cave to steel the front entrance shut, the rocks from thirty to forty feet above fall on the boy and the girl inside of the cave. The next thing I see is them being covered by rocks and taking them off especially when they look somewhat big and should be obviously heavy. Thus, during that falling rock onto them, they should have died by impact, let alone the massive bruises and blood inflicted on their bodies. Now, a spider weaves a web that makes it super hard for any insect to escape out of that; I found it surprising that the humans had no problem getting out of the web. The spider isn't an insect but rather an arachnid (arachnophobia, get it?). I can't believe that dude is a certifiable science teacher, especially from the 50's. On the other hand, I found it odd that when Carol's father dies, she sees her mother who comes down from upstairs and acts as nothing happened before returning back to upstairs. Carol lets go of the feeling rather easily in matter of hours. That's a very peculiar way of handling emotion when father dies. That sheriff, now was that guy the biggest moron cop there is? Why is it every time I see a movie when a person runs to the car, have trouble trying to get inside and finally does, and tries to start the engine but it wouldn't until the very, very last second? Probably the best scene of Earth vs. the Spider is when the (seemingly too old for high school) boys cajole Hugo the janitor into letting them inside of the auditorium. That brings up another question: why bring the huge tarantula inside some high school auditorium? Why risk the danger? Where was the team of security guards? Back to the proportion of the spider, it appears small in the auditorium but huge when compared to the teacher's house. I didn't know a spider could be enlarged and shrunken as it pleases. One hilariously stupid moment comes when the guy decides to skedaddle out of town by driving in a car with a bed mattress on the top of it. Gosh, why? That makes absolutely no sense. The town looked pretty quiet, and if there were residents, they should have convened together and came up with simple solutions like the gasoline idea of mine. Why is the movie called Earth vs. the Spider when it should actually be A Small Town of Stupid Characters vs. the Spider? All in all, Earth vs. the Spider is just a pitiful picture to sit through.
Viewed: 10/08
Rate: 2
10/08: War of the Colossal Beast: talk about boring. To keep me awake from falling asleep, I wisely spent my time nitpicking the logical problems throughout the picture. For one, if the beast ended up in Mexico, surely somebody would have saw it. At the same time, by walking to Mexico from Las Vegas or Hoover Dam (I guess), there would be footprints all over. Speaking of the footprint, when they revealed it by the mud lake where the boy in his truck crashed near there, it looked so primitive that it should pass for an animal. I mean, why didn't the producers spend the time getting an artist to accurately set up the footprint of a human? Even worse, I am surprised that there was only one. At times, the figure of the beast seemed to be incorrect when in terms of proportion. He would appear to be big compared to humans and then somewhat smaller later. As for the Army plan, why don't you just kill it to save the expense? If they obstinately wouldn't do that, then why place the beast near a city? Something like that would have invited apparent danger to millions of inhabitants. Just build a hanger in the middle of Arizona desert, and place the beast in it. I am surprised the morons decided that the rope is sufficient enough to hold him down when metal chains would do. Speaking of being shackled down, I am sure he would be making a foul stench within hours by peeing and crapping onto himself. Hey, no food rations for him? He is a human being, for Pete's sake. When the beast ate the drugged bread out of the truck, they should have been considered as crumbs based on how much of dietary requirements to sustain his health. Interesting, I saw the soldiers shooting at the beast with standard guns with half inch bullets. How about a 10 inch mortar shells? One would do to open that hole wide open to bleed him to death. Nearing the end of the film, why put the searchlights on the beast's eyes when he is holding the bus loaded with children hundred feet high? Then for the grand finale, he touches the power lines and zaps out before disappearing in a spontaneous combustion as Nigel Tufnel would describe in This Is Spinal Tap. I actually didn't know that War of the Colossal Beast is a sequel to a film called The Amazing Colossal Man, and I doubt that I am missing anything since the sequel already explained away the original. I still think that the idea of making the beast to be enormously huge compared to the humans pretty cool and wonder how it was done. There is a possible connection between War of the Colossal Beast and Night of the Living Dead. The boy at the very beginning of the film, the way he looks forward and backwards in a scared way, makes me laugh so hard. Honestly, I doubt the beast is sixty foot but more like one hundred foot. Anyway, as for the acting, it's spectacularly flat and the dialogues too as well. If the beast wears shorts that fits him, then who made it for him? Clothes do not grow when exposed to radiation. All in all, War of the Colossal Beast is a turd in every definition possible. Hell, getting stabbed by a huge hypodermic needle is more entertaining than watching this film. If the title of the movie is War of the Colossal Beast, so where is the war?
Description of Cult Classics: Earth vs. the Spider/War of the Colossal Beast
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