Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
by Paul Weitz
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Actor: Chris Massoglia, Jessica Carlson, John C. Reilly, Josh Hutcherson, Salma HayekDirector: Paul Weitz
Brand: UNI
Writer: Paul Weitz
Producer: Andrew Miano
Producer: Courtney Pledger
Producer: Dan Kolsrud
Producer: Ewan Leslie
Writer: Brian Helgeland
Writer: Darren Shan
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Subtitled); French (Subtitled); Spanish (Subtitled); English (Original Language); French (Dubbed); Spanish (Dubbed)
Format: AC-3, Color, Dolby, Dubbed, DVD, NTSC, Subtitled, Widescreen
Picture Format: 2.35:1
Running Time: 109 minutes
Published: 2010-02-01
DVD Release Date: 2010-02-23
Audience Rating: PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Studio: Universal Studios
DVD Reviews of Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
DVD Review: Cirque De Freak was a FREAKING AWLFUL MOVIE!!
Summary: 1 Stars
Let me just say I recently purchased this film thinking it would be funny and fun to watch. I thought that at worst this film would be decent to watch! Boy was I wrong! Where do I even begin on this movie??? All I can say is I knew I had to post this review because I honestly don't want anyone else making the mistake of wasting their hard earned money on this "freak" of a movie.
Anyone who might actually enjoy the movie (and haven't read the book) this whole review does have some spoilers in it (if you could actually spoil this movie any worse than what it already is).
Where to begin.... well....
Firstly, this movie had zero plot, I mean if you call that a plot, seriously people all he pretty much does is walk around with ole shake-n-bake and talk about how he isn't going to drink blood or some other vampire stuff. Then it switches over to his friend (has he ever had acting lessons?? I think not) who is bent on being "evil" suddenly! I mean does anyone really buy this whole crap as they are watching this movie???
Secondly as I breifly mentioned in the previous statement, the acting was completely horrible, I felt like I was watching my local school play on video or something. Although the two main boys were bad, the family had to be the worse! I realize they were a small part, but I mean gosh! I could have got out there and made a more convincing parent!!!! I mean none of the actors were even convincing in his/her emitions or otherwise.
Thirdly, this story was not believeible, and yes I know this sounds stupid because it's a vampire movie but it's true. THe way the actors react to horrible situations in this movie, the way the story plays out is so stupid! I mean I hope the book series was completely off from this movie, cuz I would hate to think a story this crazy got published. I understand this is a a vampire story, but still. I mean, firstly, if some guy told me that I had to become a vampire in order to save my friend (when all was needed was the antidote) I'd be like "what the heck? Are you a freaking nut chase or something? Vampires? If I even believed in vampires, how is me turning into one going to help my friend??" I mean his whole reaction was not believeible.... Instead he was like I'll do it, as long as you help my friend. I mean really????? Plus, I mean his handler or what ever shake-n-bake is, said you have to fake your death and leave your family forever. and the boy (darren) is like Okay, I guess I have to leave them forever, and he doesn't even shed a tear or put up a real fuss! I mean hello!! If somebody told me I had to do all that I'd be breaking down and have a panic attack!!! I guess ole Darren must really hate his family and friends or some crap... or perhaps, this whole movie just really really SUCKS!!! Then the whole part of how his best friends suddenly hates his guts for no apparent reason. I mean really people??? What the heck is up with this movie?????
Fourthly, don't even get me started on how this movie acted like there was going to be some big important battle at the end!!!! This whole movie lead up like it was Darren's destiny to be the good guy on the non-killin side and the steve boy was suppose to be the "evil" one for the killing bloodsucking side and they were going to have an all out battle in the end and somehow the vampire world be changed or something. Instead you get all the way to the end and the two main characters pretty much fight like two year olds and then get broken up by this werido dude (that no one knows who the heck he is or why the heck he's doing any of the crap he's doing, whom I might add randomly shows up for no apparent reason.) Then this werid guy turns his dead vampire dude into some shrunken werid creature. Then Darren goes back to the freak camp and lays down in the coffin... the end!!! I mean seriously people!!! WHAT THE HECKKK??? I mean I was expecting something you know that would actually have an effect on it all, instead you are left knowing less after the movie then before you started watching it. I actually thought after the fight scene that there was a good thirty minutes left and we'd be seeing the real show down. This movie was like stopping in mid sentence and then the rest was just left out there hanging somewhere.
Fifthly, this movie had way tooo much added stupididy!!!!! I mean really if the bad plot, bad acting, and all the other dissappointments weren't enough to make this one of the suckest movies of all time we had to add all this completely unnessary stupididty!!!! For example, we have this werid woman who's limps regrow if chopped or bitten off, kinda like a skink and its tail regrows. Okay, that's fine, but why do we have to watch some werid sexual scene where she rips her finger off then french kisses with the finger in her lover's mouth. I mean doesn't even cover it. Not to mention the whole crap and extremely fake looking rotten muck thats in the wolfman's cage, and uhhh the werid guck that the shruken people have in their feed tub!!! I'd really like to know the shrunken peoples' purpose, besides bitting at people's hands? I mean really what do these people or the man that calls them his pets really have to do with the movie??? I mean the big guy that rides around in that car makes no sense!!!! I mean you talk about stupid. this guy just shows up outta no where and isn't a vampire, so what business does he have in their business, and talks about destiny all the time and then calls those shrunken people his pets. Which if they are then why the heck are they keeping them at the freak camp??? Because that means they would be knowingly keeping enemies that hear and see everything they do and would be telling their boss/owner??? WOWWWW this movie is so I just can't believe it!!!
Need anymore reasons??? I mean really people do you need any more REASONS!!! I just want to scream thinking about how stupid and awlful this movie was. It most defintley makes the tops in the worse movie of all time!!!!
Description of Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
Welcome to the Cirque Du Freak, a traveling sideshow filled with magical creatures, misunderstood freaks, and the mysterious vampire, Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly). Drawn to the dark, unpredictable world of the Cirque, 16-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) decides to trade in his ordinary life for a chance to become an immortal vampire. As Darren explores his newfound powers and faces unexpected enemies, he?ll find that his existence as a member of the undead is filled with more challenges, suspense and fun than he ever thought possible. Based on the best-selling book series and co-starring Salma Hayek, Josh Hutcherson, Ken Watanabe, and Willem Dafoe, it?s a fast-paced, suspenseful journey critics call, ?Imaginative!? (Peter Hall, Cinematical.com)Bestsellers in DVD
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