Cassandra's Dream
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DVD details
Actor: Colin Farrell, Ewan MacgregorBrand: Wellspring Media INC
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language)
Format: Closed-captioned, Color, DVD, NTSC, Widescreen
Picture Format: 1.66:1
Running Time: 109 minutes
DVD Release Date: 2008-05-27
Audience Rating: PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Model: 81064
Studio: Weinstein Company
Product features:
- Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell star as working brothers whose dreams of better lives leads to desperation, greed and deadly betrayal. When gambling debt and an expensive courtship place them in a financial bind, a rich uncle (Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton) offers them an out in exchange for committing murder. Featuring gripping performances from an all-star cast; "this family tragedy puts us
DVD Reviews of Cassandra's Dream
DVD Review: From You We Need a Lesson in Morality?
Summary: 1 Stars
Dear Mister Allen,
Woody my boy! Woody my boy! How many times have I, Yasha J. Banana at 96-years-old, the oldest living Amazon movie reviewer; if you call this living), how many times have I told you -- schtupping young gals and then making movies that preach morality -- not for you, boychick. I mean, we all know what happened a few years ago and, not to bring up unpleasant memories, but from *you* we need a morality tale?
I don't think so.
Personally, I like your older movies, the funny ones. Your first one was great "Nem Di Gelt" -- "Take the Money and Run." What a peppy-perky flicker that one was.
But of course my all-time favorite was "Bananas." For weeks people came up to me. "Yash -- what? -- this movie is about your family?" So, what did it hurt, I lied. "Sure," I told them, "from me he got all his material. The little cocker couldn't have done it without me."
Movies about families, now that's what I like. On Broadway I went to see "Cats." I had such high hopes. With all the Jews in show business, I thought it was a story about a family named Katz.
So who knew?
I'm expecting funny lines, like, "What do you call a woman who sleeps with cats?" ... "Mrs. Katz."
Instead I get a bunch of crazy people running around on stage. Jumping, spinning, tumbling, spritzing. The chorus boys had costumes on that were so tight I not only could tell who was circumcised and who wasn't, I had a good idea whose pediatrician was named "Lefty."
And the girls. Hoy boy! The tukases on those girls were so tight you could bounce silver dollars off them. Which I would have gladly done, even though I'm on a fixed income.
All that running around and carrying on. Jumping from furniture, crashing into walls. I got *such* a headache; you wouldn't wish it on an Arab. Cats jumping on each other, cats running over fences, cats making dates. And, trust me, there were homosexual cats on that stage, believe me.
Not that I make judgments, mind you. A person wants to be a faygala, he should live and be happy. I make no pronouncements.
But all those noisy, jumping cats. It was too much. I had a cat in my apartment once. Ran all over the place. Drove me crazy. So I took him to the vet, got him fixed. After that -- didn't make a sound, hardly moved at all. All he did all day long was stare at me. The quiet I liked, but the guilt, oy vey, it was awful. After a while I gave him to the Italians across the hall and asked them to drown him.
But anyway, what do you care about my cat? Back to you and your career, Woody; if I may. ...
Personally, I, Yasha J. Banana -- nonagenarian, hat blocker, and one-time towel boy at Plato's Retreat -- I categorize your movies into two groups: "Whine-Whine-Whine," and "Preach-Preach-Preach." The thing is, preaching is easy; also, not to embarrass you but, as previously noted, in your case it's rather inappropriate, don't 'cha think? Whining, on the other hand, now there's where you excel! Such whining in your movies I never heard in my life. Then again there was my second wife, but let's not dwell.
Believe me, that's your bread and butter, boychick -- whining. That's what pays the electricity bill. That's what puts the Manischevitz on the table.
But in this flicker, "Cassandra's Dream," I didn't hear any whining at all. Not a peep. Not a titter. ...
Tits. ...
That reminds me of that runaway titter in the movie you made way back when, "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Who Knew Already?" Now that was funny. I laughed so hard I wet my pants. Which nowadays is the highlight of my day.
A giant runaway tit. Reminded me of my fourth wife. Big gal. But cold as a witch's you-know-whats. And I'm talking cold. After we left our honeymoon suite they renamed the waterbed "The Dead Sea."
(Right after Henny Youngman checked out.)
Big, what am I saying? She was FAT! Boy, was she fat!
... She was so fat she used to sing, dance and do total eclipses.
... She was so fat in case of enemy attack, she immediately went into combat as a hay silo.
... She was so fat she made Orson Welles look like a mere slip of a lad.
... She was so fat, you know that song "Shake Your Booty" -- when she shook her booty the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir had a premature ejaculation.
Fat, lemme tell you fat. For the first six months of our marriage I thought I was having intercourse with her, until I realized I was schtupping one of her folds.
But nowadays, sex, forget about it. At 96-years-old, who can bother? A few years ago though I met a beautiful young woman. She cooked for me, she kept house for me and she made mad, passionate love with me. Then I went out for a newspaper and forgot where I lived.
(Ba-da-bing-bing!)
So look, anyway, back to your facockta movie. What's it about -- that crime doesn't pay? Are you serious? You've notified the ganefs on Wall Street about this? George Bush has taken this advice to heart, has he?
Nothing personal, boychick, but morality tales from you I find hard to accept. From Mother Theresa a morality tale would be a big hit. From Francis of Assisi, as far as I'm concerned, that goy can preach until the cows come home. Even John-Boy on "The Waltons," what a philosopher. But you, Woody? Come on, be serious. Your preaching morality would be like Jesse James checking my brother-in-law's books.
Anyway, listen, who am I to throw stones? Personally, I've been married five times. But never to someone I had to help with her homework already.
(Ba-da, bing-bing!)
Okay, so I stole that joke from George Burns. What's he gonna do, rise from the dead and sue me?
Meanwhile, back to "Cassandra's Dream." If I may. ...
I mean, I don't get it, in the whole movie I'm waiting for some shiksa named Cassandra to show up, but where is she already? I missed her when I went out to take a pee? Listen, I'm entitled, if you had a prostate like mine, as big as a Spaulding basketball, you'd be writing and directing from the toilet, Mister Big Shot Feency-Schmeency Hollywood Maven.
Frankly, I've had it with you, Woody Allen! I'd didn't want to mention this but you stole my act. I'm speaking a factual truth now. When I was a young fellow, I was a nebbish, too. And a much bigger one than you, believe me. And did I make a nickel from it? No sir! No-sir-no-sir-NO-SIR! All that cocking around you do, and from that you make a living? From that they pay you millions? When I was a nebbish, I made peanuts. I was a "'mon back." I stood in back of a truck and said: "'mon back, `mon back."
Okay, so I stole that joke from you. Who stole it from Henny Youngman. Who stole it from Milton Berle. Who stole it from Jimmy Hoffa. So you'll serve a paper and ~ sue me ~ sue me ~ what can you do me? ~ Give a holler and hate me ~ hate me ~ go `head and hate me.~
You like my singing voice? I'm available, you know. You cast your next movie and you're maybe looking for a 96-year-old talent, I'm your man. I sing, I dance, I tell jokes. And if there are any dead spots in your next script, I'm no Danny Kaye but I'm a pretty good tummler. Peppy, perky -- I used to be a big hit in the lobby at Grossinger's waiting for a room. I had all the widows in stitches. Knock-knock jokes coming out of my ears.
So if you need me for your next movie, all kidding aside, I'd be honored.
Now, as for my terms. ...
1.) Naturally, I'll need a dressing room. Not too big; but not too small either. I may have shrunk but I'm no Billy Barty.
2.) An autographed picture of Steve Guttenberg. (For my niece, Tiffany Banana.)
3.) I'll need at least two young, nubile personal assistants to help me memorize my lines, assist me in finding my way to my hotel room and keep me from falling asleep.
4.) A wheel barrel full of Viagra. See term #3.
5.) A little gelt. Preferably in cash.
6.) A top-notch makeup artist. Your makeup person knows what they're doing? Because for me makeup may take longer than Mel Gibson's speech before B'nai B'rith.
7.) Air-conditioning. Indoors and out.
8.) In the morning I'd like a bagel, a cup tea and a nice piece cake. And not from the store either!
9.) A scene where I'm with some hot chick, preferably a shiksa, where she's standing on a mirror.
10.) An optometrist.
11.) Chicken soup. And lots of it, you little cocker!
Assuming you can meet these demands, and assuming you hire Jews, just say the word and I can be on the set quicker than you can say "Mama Mia!"
Your pal,
Yash
Description of Cassandra's Dream
Studio: Genius Products Inc Release Date: 09/30/2008 Rating: Pg13Bestsellers in DVD
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