Blood Surf

Blood Surf
by James D.R. Hickox

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DVD Reviews of Blood Surf

DVD Review: Atrocious in the extreme
Summary: 2 Stars

"Blood Surf" isn't so much a film title as it is a state of mind. According to the opening sequences of the picture, a couple of surfers named Bog (Dax Miller) and Jeremy (Joel West) plan on flying into an out of the way island to blood surf. This entails surfing amidst a whole mess of dangerous sharks. One small mistake and...well, you get the idea. Along for the ride are photographer Cecily (Katie Fischer) and her smarmy boyfriend Zack (Matt Borlenghi). Right from the start we discover Jeremy is the most annoying human being on the planet. He's one of those mouthy surfer yucks who talks like Sean Penn's character from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" without any of the charm associated with that actor's groundbreaking role. The plane lands safely, unfortunately, and the four quickly search about for a boat that will take them to a nearby cove where it is rumored that many hungry sharks swim about close to shore. With yawning predictability, our heroes meet up with the requisite grizzled tar, Dirks (Duncan Regehr), and his pretty young squeeze. The good captain of course tries to talk our team out of blood surfing, but eventually acquiesces when his girlfriend dances erotically for the surfers. Yeah, I know. Anyway, with directions firmly in hand, the quartet heads out with a bunch of natives and promptly runs into big problems.

Those darn sharks! How dare they intrude on our loveable characters! Ha ha, how wrong you are! The problem isn't the sharks but a huge salt water crocodile! What a coup the filmmakers pulled on us with this sudden shift in plot. I never saw this one coming. Neither do our protagonists as they stand helplessly by as the croc destroys the boat and dispatches the crew. Now our heroes can't get off the island, which is bad because that croc is fast! Salvation seems to lie close at hand when a bunch of mercenaries or pirates, whatever they are, stumble over our hapless characters and take them into custody. Once on the ship, only an amazing leap out of the water-the croc hangs in the air longer than Michael Jordan-saves the lead characters from the clutches of the nasty mercenaries/pirates. Then Dirks shows up (yawn again) and goes slightly overboard in his quest to destroy the crocodile. It turns out that the captain once piloted a ferry that fell to the savagery of the animal in question, and ever since that unfortunate incident he's been seeking revenge against the beast. I won't spoil the rest of it-you should know how it ends anyway-but the obligatory bloody encounters with the croc occur with frightening regularity. Who will live and who won't? Who cares?

"Blood Surf" is amazingly underwhelming in its implications. Try this on for size: by the time the movie ended, I felt more genuine emotion for the crocodile than I did for the characters. Here's this old, exceptionally enormous creature, a veritable wonder of nature, destroyed by a surfer and a lady with cosmetic enhancements. What better way to show how the forces of modern superficiality have triumphed over the natural world? I've got a tip for the characters in the movie: DON'T GO TO AN ISLAND WHERE A GIANT CROC LIVES! Why is it that humans feel it incumbent to destroy everything in their path no matter where they are? Get outta there, you idiots, and don't come back! Besides, it's not as though any of these characters endear themselves to the audience. When the seedy Zack perishes after running out on his friends, the survivors witnessing the tragedy utter lines so callous, so disrespectful of life in general, that I almost turned the whole thing off right there despite not liking the deceased character.

The only reason to watch "Blood Surf" is to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. A bit of gore pops up toward the end, not badly done either, but it's far too late to save this mess by the time that happens. Katie Fischer is nice to look at, I guess, but the filmmakers fall down on the job here too since we never see much of her. Extras include a cheesy surf soundtrack, boring bonus footage, trailers for "Blood Surf," "Cut," and "Attraction," and storyboards you can watch during certain chapters of the movie. The last feature was a first for me, but it's not impressive. When you watch "Blood Surf," make sure to take off your watch and remove all timepieces from the room. Otherwise, you'll hurt your neck by constantly looking at them.

Description of Blood Surf